i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
