So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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