my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
