So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
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You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
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So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?