Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
