so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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