I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
