my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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