I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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