Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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