i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
