just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
