dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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