Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
