your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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