he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
