I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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