and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
