I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
