I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
