I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
