The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
