Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
