Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
