I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
