I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
