I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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