Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
