I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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