I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
