I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
