all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
