Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
