my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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