guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
