to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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