I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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