after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
