dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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