Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
