she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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