Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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