Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
