my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
