Yo dont text me then not text me
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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