So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
