Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
