real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
