my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
