I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
