What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
