There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
