my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize
