On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my sisters under your porch take her home
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
