I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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