ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
