You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
