did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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