My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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