Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
