awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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