$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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